Joy in Covid Craziness
Question
My partner and I are trying to tag team so that we can work, keep our kids happy, and stay sane on top of it all. Life is nuts! When will this ever end, and how can I get through it in one piece?! What does Jewish wisdom have to say about it?
Answer
Believe me, I know exactly what you mean. As I write this my poor husband is trying to play Mommy while I locked myself in a room to get some writing done. But from across the house and behind a locked door I’m pretty sure I can hear pieces of mac and cheese hitting the windows (I guess they’re missing the moving target they assigned to my toddler’s forehead).
Like any good parent, you’re trying to keep your cooped-up kid(s) happy, fed, educated, entertained and well-mannered, while trying really hard not to overstep AAP screen time guidelines. Which you may be doubting is even possible. (Or you’re thinking, what guidelines?)
Some of our other readers are, by contrast, very much alone. You may be used to getting out with friends at night or visiting your family regularly. You might be struggling in other ways -- out of a job, or having a hard time getting groceries or other deliveries. You may know someone who’s very sick, or might have fears about getting sick.
Since the beginning of time, the Torah has taught us some precious lessons about finding happiness, in challenging times and even in easier times. Yup, you read that right. Sometimes challenges, which force us to examine the real source of inner peace, can lead us toward it in ways that regular days just can’t. So let’s grab this thing by the horns and do the obvious: make a zoom meeting out of it. Ahem, I mean, find the secret to happiness.
Read up on some of the fundamentals of positive psychology and you’ll find obvious (yet unsurprising) parallels between them and Torah lifestyle and practice. Today we’ll zoom in (sorry, couldn’t help it!) on three of them, and explore how they can help us through this bizarre phase in time: positive emotions, relationships, and meaning.
Positive emotions is an easy one to understand. Obviously, the more positive emotions you feel, the happier you’ll be. But when your circumstances cause you to default to worry, stress, resentment, or anger, how do you create those positive emotions? I refer you to last month’s post entitled “Don’t Worry, Choose Happy” where I shared some Torah wisdom about positive emotions. Spoiler alert: it’s all about gratitude. Master gratitude, and it’ll make you feel like the luckiest person alive. You’re welcome!
Relationships, tool number two, can be a little trickier in isolation. The people in your life are likely either too far away or waaaaaay too close for comfort right now. The secret here is baby steps. You feel a sense of accomplishment and mastery when you challenge yourself just enough that you have to stretch, but not too much so that you feel incapable. It’s an art, surely. But the payoff is immense.
For relationships that are strained by distance, try to think of ways to show support and connection from afar that the other might appreciate. For ones that are very (very) close by (which may include little people who are constantly in your face or with sticky hands in your hair or bored walking tornadoes or possessing incredibly loud whiny voices, or bigger people who might be sulky door slammers or screen zombies or slobs or emotionally unpredictable or way too cool for family time,) it’s about trying to be a good partner/parent/sibling/child to them. Try to let go of the things they’re doing wrong and remember that they’re struggling, too. Compassion and consideration sound basic, but it can be hard to remember when we’re stuck in close quarters.
Dynamics in stressful situations can often become cyclical (he gets irritated, she sulks, he gets more irritated, she gets more sulky…) which is natural, but very simple to solve; it only takes one person to reverse the cycle and send it in a positive direction (she’s sulky, but he reaches out kindly, she brightens, that makes him want to be even kinder, that makes her even brighter). So, be the role model in your home for being upbeat, empathetic, and gracious. It’ll make everyone around you happy… And it’ll make you happy, too. And, remember, baby steps: choose ONE thing you can do, either for one family member, or once a day, rather than trying to be perfect all at once.
Then there’s finding meaning, the third tool for developing true happiness. We do that by thinking critically about our situation: I’m stuck in this house, with this person, with this amount of flexibility: what opportunities are inherent here? In what challenging area has this created the perfect opportunity for focus and development? What about me (and the way I copy with challenges or other people) can look radically different when this is all over? I challenge you to find your corona-fueled Achilles heel. Is it the isolation? The family time? The economy? The germs? The boredom? What about it makes it challenging? Am I happy with the way I’m reacting, or is that something I want to change?
Putting those three elements together, here’s the secret to corona survival: you don’t want to survive. You want to thrive! You want to enjoy every minute of it. You do that by seeing this moment as a profound opportunity for personal growth, by setting attainable goals in your personal life and your relationships, and by counting your many blessings. When you can find and work toward an important goal, that will infuse your days with meaning and joy.